Vent

Article 017.

Today I vent. Today I almost let my anger get the best of me. Almost lost it if I’m being honest. Deep breaths were very helpful calming my nerves, preventing me from saying things I definitely would’ve regretted. And after a few sips of water, I just found myself in one of those blank stares, teary-eyed, my view going beyond the walls in front of me. I did what I usually do when a situation arises— a quick self-inventory. I try to remember what I did to get to this point and on this particular situation, there’s nothing else for me to do. I have moved on. I have owned what I needed to own. Time and again, asked for forgiveness to all the people I’ve hurt and the truth is their peace is no longer in my hands. I cannot beat myself to death for pain I’ve caused ages ago. There is still life to live and I’ve been trying to get mine back.

I’ve actually written an entire rant, very explicit. You can feel the anger in the words while you read it, you don’t even have to try. And yes it was directed to the person I was mad at. I was berating her. But after a day or two, entirely nixed the article. I will not allow myself to translate pure anger into words, into my blog, even if it’s very enlightening despite the dark tone. Maybe soon if it triggers me again, and maybe a little more subtle. For now, I’m better than that. Just hate that the thought lingers in my head relentlessly. That it consumes me no matter how hard I try to ignore it. To quote a few lines from Master Yoda— “…Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Anger leading to hate and hate leading to suffering, I’m not gonna allow that. I was killing time however I can, just so I can de-escalate my anger. Chat, meditate, Sudoku, filtered gin, in no particular order. I’ll throw in some Civ Rev PS game, pick-up basketball and of course running through my music playlist. There are moments when I slip up, where the anger ignites my inner Hulk, yet overall still lucky that those instances are but few and short.

Have you had those moments? Where you are just livid? You break something, shout, even hurt yourself, just trying to find an outlet to the outrage? I bet you have. We all have. But I tell you this, and maybe a lot of you already know, that taking a step back makes a huge difference. Before you say the harshest thing, pause. Ponder upon what you’re about to unleash. Understand the repercussions and gauge if it’s worth it. I was so mad that day that I finished the entire blog (tirade really) in like 15 minutes, fastest one I’ve done. That is how pure emotion ramps you up. I don’t blame myself though. Because I’ve been obsequious with my responsibility since Day 1. And to be shut down of a plea in cold-hearted fashion was too much for me to bear. Didn’t even recognize my reasons, just went straight to the books and slapped me with an excerpt from legal documents. Straight up biatch! (Okay that was me briefly inside my soap box). But now I’m calm. I actually feel like the tide is about to change. Maybe not sooner enough than I wanted but it will happen. I just gotta have faith. Oh and one good thing about not publishing the original unedited “raging” blog was that it was too personal. Not sure if I’m ready to share that with the public. My real friends know, so that’s all that counts. I’m good, I stopped venting.

I'm not as cute when I'm pissed!