Rethinking Infidelity

Article 023.

In 2015, renowned Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel did a TED talk entitled “Rethinking Infidelity… A Talk For Anyone Who Has Ever Loved”. It garnered over 14 million views in YouTube as her unique take on such an often misconstrued topic was nothing but impressive and which I personally find as a nourishing food for thought. I want to thank my really good friend “Partner” Tetchie who shared the link to me and introduced me to the great video of Perel’s delivery. I’m not gonna dissect and critique her video (what right do I have?). However, I do want to pick some excerpts from her speech that really resonated with me (there’s a lot) and provide my own insights to it. Disclaimer: Not trying to violate any copyright infringements here since I’m clearly not associated to Perel. I’m not getting paid to promote her video as well and I’m obviously not as accomplished as her nor am I anywhere near as articulate. This is just me sharing my thoughts so to speak. Sharing the video link at the very end.

Perel: “What exactly do we mean by infidelity? Is it a hook up? A love story? Paid sex? A chat room? A massage with happy endings? However, there is no universally accepted definition of infidelity.”

Me: There isn’t really huh? Which makes it even more complicated. The purists would tell you that any form of flirtatious communication is considered being an infidel. But some do not and a partner may even find it sexy or attractive that the other half is emanating confidence as long as it’s not in secrecy and doesn’t go beyond that moment. I guess this falls to the person itself as what could be taboo to you may not be for someone else. Right?

P: “An affair is an extremely common act that is so poorly understood.”

M: Yes, because the very first thing that comes to mind, and let’s be honest, is the sex. We often associate an affair as a sexual fling, maybe even paid sex. And though it’s all in the same bucket, an affair runs way deeper than any form of infidelity. I personally think that a fling, although for all intents and purposes is an “affair”, is very shallow in nature. There is no looking beyond the future. It is primarily about the sex and everything is centered around it. While an AFFAIR affair, well, the desire goes beyond the 3-hour rendezvous at a Motel 6. You go to movies, plan a trip outside the city, exchange gifts. You know that there is more to it, that it has potential. Although it can be as intense as the fling, an affair is deeper than anything carnal, which makes it really dangerous.

P: “Infidelity has a tenacity that a marriage can only envy.” —and— “Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love!”

M: How true and sad at the same time isn’t it? When that passion in marriage fizzles down and the world of the couple revolves around the children, or the promotion at work, or even when the very last mystery of your partner has been revealed, is when the relationship is most vulnerable. You cannot go up against a new found curiosity. It’s just human nature. Once you find a like-minded person, a person with common interests, is when that affair’s moxie overpowers the marriage. And that ember hastily turns into fire too strong and rapid for the incumbent relationship to even rival. But I’m not sure about the latter line Perel said. What if the marriage was wrong from the beginning and the affair is the true love? Then the infidelity becomes the gateway not the one that shatters it. Wrong as that may sound, I bet there had been cases when the infidel finds true happiness outside of marriage. I don’t have the statistics to show you but I’m pretty sure it happens.

P: “Affairs in the digital age is a death by a thousand cuts!”

M: Oh you better believe it! The breadcrumbs can never be so revealing. What you can’t live without— the mighty cell phone— is also your weakest link when you are participating in the unchaste. This is why a lot of couples are so divided when it comes to having access to your partner’s phone. Should partners grant full access to their better-half’s device or not? Oh let the debate start.

P: “We live in an era were we feel we are entitled to pursue our desires!” —and— “Today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.”

M: We truly have been selfish haven’t we? Especially here in the United States where people feel so privileged all the damn time. It’s all about the freedom and the self-centeredness and the total disregard of how others feel as long as we satisfy our own. Time to change the culture and progress from the conservatism of society. And though I agree to a certain extent about evolving, it has gone way too far. Of course it’s absolutely okay to think about yourself and your feelings and how you can better your current disposition. However, not everyone is entitled to this “privilege”. I’ve always felt like if you’ve gone through really tough times, if you’ve truly given more than you have received, if you’ve hold on to your vow to the best of your capabilities, and the circumstances are undeniably ominous and enduring, then I guess you are deserving of happiness and leaving is truly no shame. But nowadays, people are hypersensitive. The threshold to keep a promise is too shallow and the efficacy of being in a relationship is way too short. Choosing to stay is never a bad thing, let’s leave it at that.

P: “What if passion has a finite shelf life?”

M: There certainly is, at least in a relationship. I’ve been playing basketball since I was a kid and halfway through my life I’m still waking up early or staying way too late so I can dribble that ball in a flat surface and shoot it in the hoop. Now that is toted passion. I’m sure musicians who first held a guitar back when they were 7 and now fiddles with the instrument in their sleep can say the same. But how many relationships have we had before we settled into our current one? Based on statistics, a person averages between 4 to 10 partners in their lifetime. Why is it though that playing a sport you’ve loved since childhood outlasts your very first partner in life? I have no scientific study to back up my theory but the answer is passion. I truly believe it does have a shelf life in relationships. When that passion dies is when the problems become unbearable. That’s why we move on from one partner to another until we get to the last. And when you get to that point, it doesn’t mean the passion won’t die either. It just means your mature enough to understand that a relationship is never just about passion. 

P: “They find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior…”

M: I don’t think it’s all the time but I get why this would create such a quandary. Once those two hit a crossroad and you are forced to follow one over the other, there usually is no victor. You give in to the act but feel bad about not upholding the code you’ve been so proud to abide all your life OR you stay straight with your conduct yet feel so regretful to miss out on what could be a once in a lifetime chance. Oh the misery in this.

P: “Some affairs are an antidote to death!”

M: Perel mentioned about people having affairs coming to her saying that they feel “alive”. It is exactly how you feel when you’re single and coming into a new relationship, isn’t it? So it just means that you feel “single” in your marriage (in some shape or form) perhaps lacking interest, doing things pretty much on your own or finding yourself disconnected with your partner, and the affair just got you paroled out of death row. Note the word “some” affairs and not all. Not all marriages or relationships make you lifeless.

P: “Affairs is way less about sex but more about desire!” —and— “The fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine!” —and— “The incompleteness, the ambiguity keeps you wanting that which you can’t have.”

M: Although sex will always be a part of the affair, the desire truly is the driving force behind it. You’ll be surprised how your mind works if your motive is powered by your desire to be with the person that you cannot have. The rush of passion flowing through your veins is unexplainable. Your yearning for that person is uncontrollable. There’s something about the forbidden that makes you want it more. It has been etched into humanity since Eve has bitten into the apple. And once you’ve decided to dip into the murky water, there is no turning back. You will long for that affair like a guy on crack. The only way to snap out of it is to do cold turkey and rehab from the addiction. Don’t ever think you would not enjoy, you will. Just be ready for what lies ahead. I’ve never heard of an affair that resulted without any consequences. Not a single one.

P: “Desire runs deep, betrayal runs deep but it can be healed.” —and— “Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire and make way for an entirely new kind of truth!”

M: Can it truly be healed? I feel like it takes an awfully strong-willed person to overcome the betrayal. One whose character has not perennially strayed from its kind and genuine heart. The treachery is such a big blow that staying within the stained relationship is way too hard to cleanse. I’m sure it can be healed and it’s not that I don’t believe it will make way for a new kind of truth, but what kind of truth will it be? A truth based on a lie? It’s possible to rekindle the flame but we never really forget do we? We forgive, but never forget. So I wasn’t convinced when Perel said that a majority of couples who experienced an affair stay together. Maybe a handful but not majority. That’s just me. 

P: “Guilty for hurting their partner but not the experience of the affair itself!”

M: Like Perel said, the affair made the perpetrators feel alive. How would you ever feel guilty to experience some sort of rebirth? You don’t. As a matter of fact, every time the memory of that affair pops up from the bank, the lovely side of it at least, it will always bring the person to a smile. But we always feel bad for anyone we hurt in the process. The act gets a pass but the pain inflicted is where the remorse will come from. And if there is no guilt at all, then that relationship was already doomed to begin with.  

P: “Questions that only inflict more pain and keep you awake at night but instead switch to the investigative questions.”

M: You won’t be able to control this in my opinion, asking the who, when and where. The curiosity is convoluted by the pain, you think you wanna know what you wanna know but it’s really just stabbing the knife a lot deeper into the wound. We have a penchant for suffering unfortunately, us humans. Again, this is a matter of how mature and disciplined truly a person is. You can go amuck and just be totally blinded by vengeance and I still think it’s a normal reaction after getting betrayed. But if you set that anger aside and just think about it, you truly are not helping yourself asking questions that merely adds fuel to the fire. Ever heard of the saying— “What you don’t know won’t kill you?” It’s cliche but absolutely true.

P: “The dilemmas of love and desire, they don’t yield just simple answers of black or white.”

M: I wish they did. It would’ve been a lot easier. Love and desire together is indestructible but apart, is the complete antagonist of one another. Or is it almost one and the same? To be honest, I’m not sure if they can be set apart from each other. Can you actually love a person without desiring them? Yet possible that you love one person and desire another? So which is which? 

P: “The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.”

M: True. While this is a hard pill to swallow in the event that the violator is the actual victim of the marriage (almost justifying their behavior), in most cases they truly are the victim if you think about it. They seek what they could not reap in the relationship with an affair. But the betrayal makes the miscreant of the marriage now the victim of the affair. A full circle of who-did-who in the relationship. You following me on that?

Perel mentioned that affairs are here to stay, whether we like it or not. But that doesn’t mean you need to partake on it. For whatever it’s worth, there is still a great mystery that will always be unparalleled if you achieve the longevity of marriage, the vow you made of ‘til death do us part. It is an achievement in itself to be in it, to emanate loyalty with one person and look at the future only with them and with no one else. Don’t think about it as an eternal sentence of being secluded in the confines of a one-person world but rather a life where you conquer the uncertainty with a trusted partner. However, it’s never been a straight path traversing through your years. I was never going to be vacuous about this topic since I was a perpetrator and a victim myself at one point. That’s why Perel’s video just caught my interest. Facts. All you can do is live with the consequences like in all things in life. Our storybook is never the same so I don’t believe a marriage or an affair ends the same for everyone. It is the true dilemma of love, it is unpredictable.

Here’s the link to Perel’s video: https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q?si=y5l8kvG6Glr72U6n

Esther Perel in TED Talk 2015